Missing the Royal Navy life?

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship once more.

  1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.
  2. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang it over the water pipes to dry.
  3. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes, and say “Sorry mate, wrong pit”.
  4. Renovate your bath room. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer cans in the shower enclosure.
  5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.
  6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until your sick.
  7. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier, then set it to ‘high’.
  8. Don’t watch TV. except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism have your family vote for which movie they want to see – then select a different one.
  9. Have the paper boy give you a hair cut.
  10. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over into your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.
  11. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.
  12. Device your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.
  13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.
  14. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, then re-assemble.
  15. Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.
  16. Invite about 185 people you don’t really like to come and stay for a couple of months.
  17. Install a small florescent light tube under your coffee table, then lie under the table to read books.
  18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when   passing through them.
  19. Put lock wires on the wheel nuts of the car.
  20. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
  21. Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout “man overboard” then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.
  22. Put on the headphones from your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “Dishwasher manned and ready sir” Stand there for three or four hours. Say once again to nobody in particular, “Dishwasher secured”. Remove the headphones. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

RNA Norwich

The Norwich Branch is one of 300+ branches of the Royal Naval Association world wide. It was commissioned in 1979 and today has a membership of just over 90. It is a registered charity in its own right - the Registered Charity Number is: 1068699

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